There’s a sort of trend, the last few years, of trying to be the one who has it harder than the next person. “The Suffering Olympics,” it’s been called.
The childfree community isn’t exempt from this trend.
But that we engage in it isn’t entirely our fault; parents will often question the legitimacy of a childless/childfree person’s actual or theoretical complaints or woes like this:
“Oh, you’re tired? Try having kids. If you’re not a parent, you can go to bed any time you want and sleep in ’til noon.”
“Oh, you’re ‘busy’? Wait until you have kids. (You are having kids, aren’t you?) People without children have all the free time in the world.”
“Ha! You call that anxiety? Try letting your kid walk down the driveway by himself to be picked up by the school bus! Whatever you might worry about is nothing compared to thinking some freak could kidnap your baby.”
We who are without child are understandably compelled to argue that we absolutely can be just as tired as parents, just as busy, and just as anxious, thank you very much, because not having children doesn’t mean life is PERFECT.
However…
While I completely understand and appreciate the desire to dispel the many myths about the childfree that may be circulating in the parenting community, I think it’ s only fair to point out that some of what parents assume about the childfree is actually true.
1. Non-parents get to go to bed late and sleep in
Yes. If we want to, we can go to bed late, and even on work mornings, we can hit snooze until we absolutely have to get up if we’re going to make it to work on time.
This is because we don’t have to bathe, dress, and feed children, sign their permission slips, pack their lunches, brush their hair, and make sure they have their homework before accompanying them to, and waiting with them at, the bus stop.
(Obviously, “we” doesn’t include every single childfree person in the world. Some have dogs who wake them up, parents who call and wake them up or who require care, cats who start yowling for breakfast at 0400, etc.)
2. Non-parents have more, and better, sex
This is probably true.
“[M]any studies that have found that the childfree lifestyle leads to happier relationships,” writes Verena Brunschweiger, PhD, author of Do Childfree People Have Better Sex? A Feminist’s Journey in the Childfree Movement. “You have more fun in general – and in bed with a partner – if you are childfree.”
All other things being equal, theoretically (and also literally), adults without children can, if they want to, have sex on the kitchen island at 3 in the afternoon and not worry about anyone walking in for an after-school snack. And they can do it every day, if they want to.
(Key words are “if they want to.”)
3. Non-parents get to do whatever they want—total freedom
Some childfree person will always raise a hand to argue, “I can’t do whatever I want because I have a demanding job and and an ailing uncle and personal issues that are preventing me from doing many things I wish I could do. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I’m free from restrictions.”
Yes, but all other things being equal…
If all of those conditions existed plus children, there would be even less freedom.
So, if what’s being said is that those without children get to do a lot of things parents either no longer can or that would take them a lot more effort and careful planning and saving to do, then, yes.
True!
4. Non-parents have much more disposable income
Obviously.
If a childfree person and a parent are both making the same salary, the person with children is going to spend X amount on those children, and the person without children will have that same X amount to use for something that isn’t children.
Someone without children will also have more freedom to seek out higher earning jobs, if they want to. It’s easier to go to college and grad school and work crazy hours, or travel when and where needed, or move if there are no children to consider.
5. Non-parents don’t know the true depth of love
Considering the differences in love feelings between my love for my cat & dog (creatures I care for and protect), my love for my late dad and sister (familial), and my love for my husband (romantic/a creature I long for and am in partnership with), I do understand why some parents believe this. The loves are different.
However, some parents tend to equate “different" with “deeper.”
Love for one’s child is a different kind of love, because with it come the complexities associated with being the caretaker and protector: worry, hope, responsibility for the child’s welfare, pride, AND — in the positive cases — unconditional love (or, caring for another as a separate identity, honoring and respecting another without judgment).
Interestingly, the love/attachment combination people feel for their children has been shown in this PLOS One study to be comparable to the love/attachment combination people feel for their pets. So, maybe people without children who genuinely love and care for their pets do have some idea of what parental love is like.
Even so, while it’s not accurate to say those of us without children don’t, can’t, and won’t know the depth of love, it’s definitely accurate to say we’ll likely never know human-human parental love.
And that’s okay, because people who don’t want kids simply because they don’t want kids don’t desire to know human-human parental love. If they did, they’d probably have a child.
6. People without kids have a lot of free time to do meaningless and silly things
Parents are correct to assume that we do have more free time than they do to do whatever people do in their free time, all other things being equal.
There’s nothing to add to that. Just, yes. And it’s very nice.
7. Non-parents own nicer things
If “nicer” means “with sharp corners” or “white,” probably true, yes. And if we want to put something very expensive at what would be considered toddler-level, we have less fear of it being tipped over. Yes.
8. Non-parents get to keep their non-parent bodies
This is not an untruth. Non-parents do not have bodies that have been changed by childbearing.
The bodies will probably still change, but not from childbirth and breast-feeding. We find other ways!
9. People without children only have to worry about themselves
I think what’s really being said here is, “You don’t have kids to worry about.”
True!
THE POINT OF THIS LIST
Nobody’s life is “perfect” (whatever that means). We all have stuff. But, all other things being equal, there is surely a difference in lifestyle between having and not having children (dependents vs. no dependents), and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the freedoms that come with not being parents, or with admitting that not having kids is a different and comparably less complicated way to live. It’s fine.
More important than the fineness of admitting to having less pain is embracing the life you’ve chosen if it’s making you happy (all things considered and I’m done saying that now because it should be taken for granted that that’s the caveat).
Dr. Louis Tay lists the benefits of happiness in The Amazing Benefits of Happiness:
It can improve your relationships: People like being around happy people. Happier people give more to others.
It can enhance your productivity: You produce more when put in a positive mood.
It can promote better health behaviors: Happier people engage in more exercise
It can lead to better immune functioning: Happier people are more resistant to colds and even experience faster-wound healing
And it predicts greater longevity! Yes – happier people live longer.
In a competition for most suffering, why would anyone want to win?
Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy my post-Roe novel The Age of the Child.
“Reading the news these days is terrifying enough for women concerned with bodily autonomy — why would I invite that into my leisure reading?! What I hadn’t counted on is how compelling Tsetsi’s storytelling is, and also how darkly hilarious some of the scenes are. This is a book that begs to be discussed and dissected.” — Amazon Reader Review
“Scathing social commentary.” — Goodreads Review
“The Handmaid’s Tale and The Farm, to name a couple, have opened the dystopian genre to questions about reproduction; however, The Age of the Child is one of the first I’ve read to really consider the issue of reproductive rights and attitudes so deeply.” — Rebecca Maye Holiday, author of The Beaches
I love the last line.
Nice!