There’s been list after list (after list) compiled about the childfree. What not to tell us, things we hate, untruths about us, silly things people say to us, and truths about us.
All great lists, but there’s room for one more.
6 things the childfree might not tell you
We may not tell you these things because they could either create conflict or ruin our image as STAUNCHLY CHILDFREE FOREVER!!!11!
1. Sometimes we’re lying when we preface “I don’t want kids” with “I love kids! But…”
This is because we know what’s expected, especially as women. We’re supposed to love kids.
But being a uterus bearer does not require us to love, like, want to be around, want to mentor, want to care for, or want to somehow find a way to spend time with children.
Nor does enjoying the company of children automatically mean we should be parents.
We as people have many loves, but we don’t necessarily want to make those loves the focus of our lives.
We can enjoy children without wanting to raise one, we can so-so enjoy them as much as we may or may not enjoy people of any other age, or we can not enjoy children at all (as long as we aren’t throwing rocks at them, it’s fine).
2. Many of us, even if we knew from a young age we didn’t want children, will think even just once or twice about whether we’re sure we don’t want children.
Maybe it’s because pronatalism has brainwashed us into thinking we’re supposed to want a child.
Maybe it’s because it’s a major life decision that deserves some thought or makes us curious and warrants a periodic checking-in.
Thinking about things or questioning long-held positions, beliefs, or desires doesn’t mean there’s been a change of mind, but that there’s a certain level of confidence allowing for the honest assessment of choices.
3. We might think certain things about parenting could be pretty cool.
But we stay quiet about it among our childed or child-wanting friends because there’s too high a risk of the immediate reaction being, “See!? I knew it! You’re not sure! That totally means you want kids and that you should totally have kids!”
Even in some childfree circles/online communities, a childfree person would never dare say, “You know, I was thinking the other day that there are probably some fun things about having kids.”
They would have to duck to avoid the “breeder-pleaser” sling-fest and would be accused, just as they would if they were talking to someone parenting oriented, of secretly wanting children. They would then be flogged and shunned by that particular childfree community.
*Note: When there’s so much pressure to have kids, especially as a woman, there’s a natural instinct to fight back. And fighting can get ugly.
4. Some of us are genuinely afraid of maybe someday deciding we do want a child, even if we’re 100% sure we won’t.
Part of the fear stems from not wanting the “I told you so”s from the “I know you better than you know yourself” people.
Another part is not wanting to reinforce pronatalist assumptions. You see, any time a famous person who’s been famously childfree shows up with a “baby bump” in a paparazzi magazine, childfree women the country over groan, because pronatalists automatically consider that famous woman’s change of heart confirmation that, deep down, every woman wants children. Which is about as true as the belief some men hold that deep down every woman has lesbian tendencies.
(These assumptions are also reinforced by poorly conceived TV shows (Big Bang Theory) and movies (Birdbox) whose female characters start out not wanting children but suddenly and miraculously discover at the very end that they do, in fact, want children, by god!)
There’s also a completely irrational and illogical fear on the part of some childfree women that goes a little like this:
“I hope I don’t change my mind later and want kids, because I really don’t want kids.”
I know. It doesn’t make sense.
5. We’re happy — really happy — about missing out on a lot of the things many parents experience.
We like that we’ll never fear, or know, the loss of a child.
We like that we’ll never have to suffer the consistent barrage of questions and judgments about mothering:
Breastfeeding? [IT’S THE ONLY HEALTHY WAY!]
Breastfeeding in public? [ATTENTION WHORE! PUT YOUR BREAST AWAY!]
Not breastfeeding? [WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOUR BABY?]
Afraid to breastfeed in public? [WHY DO YOU HATE THE BEAUTIFUL THING THAT IS NATURAL MOTHERHOOD?]
Admit of making a mistake with your child? [WE WHO ARE NOT YOU ARE PERFECT PARENTS WHO WOULD NEVER MAKE A MISTAKE AND YOU WILL BURN IN HELL!]
Etc.
We like that we’ll never have custody disputes or wonder whether we should stay in a miserable marriage “for the child.”
We like that we’ll never feel the sadness and emptiness that comes with a child leaving home after 18 (or whatever) years of being there every single day and night to live a life of their own.
We like that we won’t have to experience the guilt that comes with wondering whether it’s being done right/enough/too much.
We like that we’ll never feel torn between work we love and children we love.
6. Our thin smile when witnessing or being the target of pressure to have kids isn’t an expression of minor irritation.
We aren’t irritated.
That’s because pressure to have kids isn’t irritating.
It’s enraging, offensive, inconsiderate, selfish, dangerous, and naïve.
Enraging: You are casually trying to dictate the direction of the rest of another person’s entire life.
Offensive: You are presuming to possess a level of authority or wisdom that is superior to that of the person whose entire life’s direction you’re trying to dictate.
Inconsiderate: Pressuring anyone to do anything is by definition discounting what they want for themselves in the pursuit of having them do what you want them to do. This shows little caring or concern for that person on your part. (We discuss something related — getting urging from friends to have children — in our Sep. 5, 2021 episode of Childfree Girls.)
Selfish: Demanding someone do something they don’t want to do in order to make you happy is ungenerous.
Dangerous: Say someone who doesn’t want kids has them only because they feel like they have to. How is this good for that person’s health and happiness? How is it good for the kids who’ll come into the world unwelcome, unwanted? What kind of home life do you imagine for that pressured family?
Naïve: Life isn’t a movie. Or The Big Bang Theory. People won’t automatically fall in love with parenting just because a child exists.
Are you childfree? What would you add to the list?
THE AGE OF THE CHILD imagines a childfree woman living in a newly post-Roe v. Wade America. “What I hadn’t counted on is how compelling Tsetsi’s storytelling is, and also how darkly hilarious some of the scenes are. This is a book that begs to be discussed and dissected.” — Amazon Reader Review